I've just completed two new paintings...these are a part of my "faceless" series. I don't have names for them yet, but I like them because they are basic and yet still unique. These could go well in a salon I think. Though I'd like to do more pieces like these but in darker, more solid "bulkier" colors. My goal is to have 10 pieces posted on my site before I post my next commercial on youtube. Promotion is tough work, and I've barely started, but my whole motivation towards getting this side business up and running, is content for another posting, another day.
Nite all.
PS, aka WonderfullyUntamed!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I quit my job
I quit my job a week ago today.
It was so time to go. I've never come so close to losing my sanity, having panic attacks nearly every week. Worried about getting things done among the mountainous number of things that needed to get done, and when you're dealing with other people's children, you wanna make sure you know what you're doing and that you're prepared, and for the most part, I could just never seem to get there... to that point where everything seemed in balance, or that even if things weren't in balance, at least to that point where I was going to have the type of structure that would somehow allow me to get there without having to bring work home every night. It just wasn't happening, and after a crazy ending last year, I just think I ran out of steam to even fight anymore. In the crossroads of it all, I just had to remember that this was a job that I was losing my mind over, and that jobs can come and go, and that as much as I love the kids at the school, at this point, even that love wasn't enough to make me push any longer. I just had to give up or risk a health condition from which I might never be able to fully recover. It was time to go. I'm a fighter, so it's a rare occasion when a resounding, definitive, "I have to stop" will pass through my lips. It was certain though. In the midst of the structural mismatching at my job, there were also, of course, some political shape-ups that simmered in the background of all of this, that I honestly, have never had the wherewithal to want to deal with on any consistent basis. It's the reason I'm not fit for corporate America, and corporate is exactly what the environment started to feel like. I was regularly being overlooked and left out of important conversations and told it was a mistake once I made mention of it, only to see it happen again. Or, I was having to remind folks that certain conversations needed to take place, when after a while I just got tired of chasing folks around to get these things done. If you're a vital puzzle piece, you just won't be left out, without somebody realizing it. Right? Either people view you as necessary for certain things, or they don't. It just never felt like things were as organized as they hopefully one day will be, so that people can actually work AND grow in the environment. It's very difficult to do either one at this point, without feeling like you're always playing catch-up from some place far behind. This isn't to say that the school isn't a good school, in fact I'm not too aware of what the impact is on students, if any. The school is still the top performing school in the area, but I think that's partly because the students come from schools that have prepared them to be successful academically, and the teachers are highly motivated and for the most part, also well prepared. New teachers have at times struggled to find support there but important measures are actively being developed to build a better support mechanism. It's the coordination involved in how, when and with whom these discussions should be held that is in disarray. Folks are appointed to leadership positions for the first time and then not supported when they are there, or not provided with a clear responsibilities, so people just end up stepping all over each other, or taking on more than any one person normally should, but in an environmental culture that values the number of plates any one person can keep spinning at one time, without anything breaking, or having to ask for help, it's hard to complain about running out of free hands without feeling incompetent. On top of that, everything has moral a output, so if you do get upset, or complain or even decide to leave, be careful how you do it. Follow all the proper norms, or your moral integrity will be placed in question. --Exhausting.
The only thing I really felt valued for there was my spirited, emotionally draining diatribes to students in relation to issues of race (like the election of Obama) or issues of character (like cheating on HW or (black) girls who couldn't get along with each other). Without doubt, I felt valued for this because people made the effort to tell me how much they valued it, but that comes at such high cost to me emotionally and not something you want to find necessary to do on many occasions. On the contrary, I wanted to feel valued in other ways, for other contributions, like my level of response to staff whenever there was a need, or the amount of hard work put into supporting parents, or my response to a discipline concern, or even how difficult it is to manage ringing manual school bells on top of covering classes for teachers who are out sick.
I worked my ass off for the people in the school, as an administrator, and for the most part I feel like it was never meaningfully appreciated based on evidence I've mentioned earlier. There was always someone else being praised for "good ideas," or "hard work" balancing so many different things, and sadly these folks are all from the same prototypes, which somehow warranted the practice of regular ass-kissing, when the rest of us were being overlooked, or mentioned for contributions that pale in comparison to the other tasks we balance everyday, but somehow go unnoticed and therefore unappreciated. Moreover, the people who received the most praise (which at some point translate into higher pay), weren't new to those jobs. They'd been doing them for at least 4 years or more. Others of us were new to our posts, but under-supported, under-recognized, and so it seemed, undervalued.
Anyways, its all over now, for the most part. I've resigned. Of course, I'm learning from this situation just like any other, and believe its made me much more aware of my strength and endurance. I know where my boundaries are now in terms of "hard work" and disrespect. My voice will be stronger as a result, and my positive disposition has been restored (yay!). I'm spending time with friends with whom I've otherwise not been fully present over the last year or more simply because I was so concerned with what was happening at this job. At this point, I'm figuring out what has to happen to keep this kind of balance in my life. I just won't survive without it.
It was so time to go. I've never come so close to losing my sanity, having panic attacks nearly every week. Worried about getting things done among the mountainous number of things that needed to get done, and when you're dealing with other people's children, you wanna make sure you know what you're doing and that you're prepared, and for the most part, I could just never seem to get there... to that point where everything seemed in balance, or that even if things weren't in balance, at least to that point where I was going to have the type of structure that would somehow allow me to get there without having to bring work home every night. It just wasn't happening, and after a crazy ending last year, I just think I ran out of steam to even fight anymore. In the crossroads of it all, I just had to remember that this was a job that I was losing my mind over, and that jobs can come and go, and that as much as I love the kids at the school, at this point, even that love wasn't enough to make me push any longer. I just had to give up or risk a health condition from which I might never be able to fully recover. It was time to go. I'm a fighter, so it's a rare occasion when a resounding, definitive, "I have to stop" will pass through my lips. It was certain though. In the midst of the structural mismatching at my job, there were also, of course, some political shape-ups that simmered in the background of all of this, that I honestly, have never had the wherewithal to want to deal with on any consistent basis. It's the reason I'm not fit for corporate America, and corporate is exactly what the environment started to feel like. I was regularly being overlooked and left out of important conversations and told it was a mistake once I made mention of it, only to see it happen again. Or, I was having to remind folks that certain conversations needed to take place, when after a while I just got tired of chasing folks around to get these things done. If you're a vital puzzle piece, you just won't be left out, without somebody realizing it. Right? Either people view you as necessary for certain things, or they don't. It just never felt like things were as organized as they hopefully one day will be, so that people can actually work AND grow in the environment. It's very difficult to do either one at this point, without feeling like you're always playing catch-up from some place far behind. This isn't to say that the school isn't a good school, in fact I'm not too aware of what the impact is on students, if any. The school is still the top performing school in the area, but I think that's partly because the students come from schools that have prepared them to be successful academically, and the teachers are highly motivated and for the most part, also well prepared. New teachers have at times struggled to find support there but important measures are actively being developed to build a better support mechanism. It's the coordination involved in how, when and with whom these discussions should be held that is in disarray. Folks are appointed to leadership positions for the first time and then not supported when they are there, or not provided with a clear responsibilities, so people just end up stepping all over each other, or taking on more than any one person normally should, but in an environmental culture that values the number of plates any one person can keep spinning at one time, without anything breaking, or having to ask for help, it's hard to complain about running out of free hands without feeling incompetent. On top of that, everything has moral a output, so if you do get upset, or complain or even decide to leave, be careful how you do it. Follow all the proper norms, or your moral integrity will be placed in question. --Exhausting.
The only thing I really felt valued for there was my spirited, emotionally draining diatribes to students in relation to issues of race (like the election of Obama) or issues of character (like cheating on HW or (black) girls who couldn't get along with each other). Without doubt, I felt valued for this because people made the effort to tell me how much they valued it, but that comes at such high cost to me emotionally and not something you want to find necessary to do on many occasions. On the contrary, I wanted to feel valued in other ways, for other contributions, like my level of response to staff whenever there was a need, or the amount of hard work put into supporting parents, or my response to a discipline concern, or even how difficult it is to manage ringing manual school bells on top of covering classes for teachers who are out sick.
I worked my ass off for the people in the school, as an administrator, and for the most part I feel like it was never meaningfully appreciated based on evidence I've mentioned earlier. There was always someone else being praised for "good ideas," or "hard work" balancing so many different things, and sadly these folks are all from the same prototypes, which somehow warranted the practice of regular ass-kissing, when the rest of us were being overlooked, or mentioned for contributions that pale in comparison to the other tasks we balance everyday, but somehow go unnoticed and therefore unappreciated. Moreover, the people who received the most praise (which at some point translate into higher pay), weren't new to those jobs. They'd been doing them for at least 4 years or more. Others of us were new to our posts, but under-supported, under-recognized, and so it seemed, undervalued.
Anyways, its all over now, for the most part. I've resigned. Of course, I'm learning from this situation just like any other, and believe its made me much more aware of my strength and endurance. I know where my boundaries are now in terms of "hard work" and disrespect. My voice will be stronger as a result, and my positive disposition has been restored (yay!). I'm spending time with friends with whom I've otherwise not been fully present over the last year or more simply because I was so concerned with what was happening at this job. At this point, I'm figuring out what has to happen to keep this kind of balance in my life. I just won't survive without it.
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